That Purple Wolfie Thing

Here is a story for everyone...

At the airport if you use one of the airline's wheelchairs and you don't have someone to help push you through to the gate a 'Pusher' have to be supplied. They will not let you just wheel yourself through on your own even if you ask, even if you beg and that comes with a lot of things for a person over time.

The things that are taken from a person, though, when forced to be helped on a task they can actually do has a high toll on the soul. I embarrassed when I'm pushed through an airport in a wheelchair - NOT because I'm in a wheelchair - but that someone is pushing me like a mother has to push a child in a stroller. It just... eats a person.

Due to this intense feeling I can only really describe as feeling 'useless' my most triumphant moment this year happen in September when I was de-boarding an airplane at DIA. Anyone whose gone through DIA doesn't need to be reminded how honk'en HUGE it is.

The thing is a monster.

Well, Southwest is my favorite airline but at some gates they're not really on the ball so I often have to wait until everyone uploads or even longer to get wheeled up to the gate. In this particular case, though, they just sort of forgot about me.

...

So, I tried to walk up the ramp but, wow! That thing was long! So half way up I found a wheelchair and sat in it. Eventually the captain walked up and found me so he pushed me the rest of the way up the ramp to the gate. Then two ladies said they'd get someone to help and then got distracted... just walking off.

15 minutes later and I'm still sitting there. Since it was so late there was NO ONE in sight. Just a big 'ol empty airport. I realized that I finally got the option to do what I had been DYING to do - just wheel myself through the entire airport.

And I did.
Over carpet too.
With my carry-on propped between my legs.
Through Denver International Airport from the furthermost C gate to baggage claim. >=3

*flexes arms* Wooyah, finally being allowed to do something I can indeed do by myself for myself. people, you don't even KNOW what a mean chair I can drive. Apparently those skills are like bike riding skills and never really go away.

The whole point of this very small story is to illustrate that I'm not frustrated or upset at all about being in a wheelchair again (especially since it's not like the doctors didn't warn me it would happen again) I'm annoyed about not having the tool I need to do what I'm perfectly able to do. I've run into that a lot this year - I'm perfectly able to work oh-so-many jobs to make money to feed myself and make the bills but haven't been about to find work, I'm perfectly capable of cooking TASTY foods that are gluten free but have been reduced to crappy cheap foods that taste like crap and I'm perfectly able to draw every commission I have taken this passed year but every time I turn around life interrupts me with sickness, homelessness, cold or blah blah.

So, I'm not upset about my condition, I'm upset about not having what I need to get the job done myself - without constant help.

Please, don't need a wheelchair because I was suddenly struck with Cerebral Palsy because I wasn't. Shoot, in a lot of ways I owe my creative talent to Cerebral Palsy since I had the same amount of energy every other child does when I was younger but couldn't run around to get it out so I drew all the time. My skill level might not be impressive to 95% of the world but the doctor's just couldn't grasp how on earth I was doing it at all.

Honestly, if I had to pick between being able to walk or being able to draw... I would pick the drawing.

Please please please don't see me differently now, it's just one more tool I'm having to use really. Think of it more like a wacom tablet! Yes, you can painfully draw on the computer with a mouse (heck, some people I know like my ex.boyfriend Cody can out do most tablet talent with his mighty brick of a mouse) but the tablet helps... a lot.

=3

I just really wanted to say all of that. It was important to me.

<3 Farellemoon

Is anyone attending FCN and maybe interested in teaming up on a table in the Dealer's Den? I'd like to give the convention another try - my personal thoughts on the poor execution of FCN 2009 was they were all just caught off guard and kind of floundered. I bet in 2010 they'll have a tighter hold on it.

I kind of need a wheelchair so I can get some of my dang freedom back. It's looking like in the future I'm going to be able to get some help from different places but at the moment I'm going to have to just keep a cheap-o chair by myself.

This is the guy I'd like: http://www.spinlife.com/Drive-Medical-Spirit-Deluxe-Standard-Wheelchair/spec.cfm?productID=83454

He's $160! he folds up, has arms that can go good with a desk or table and is only 37. lbs.

This is the guy I'd eventually like to have: http://www.spinlife.com/Invacare-9000-XT-Custom-Lightweight-Wheelchair/spec.cfm?productID=115

He comes in purple, is very light weight so I can transport the chair easily and I really like the fact it comes with removable arm rests because frankly I don't like them. Only trouble is that guy is $375. But it's just so more... me. Plus with that one I'd not be getting another one, I'd just stick with that one.

Anyways, I was wondering if anyone would be willing to help me raise a bit of funds for my wheelchair? Maybe we could post special auctions on Furbuy or just do a series of small quick ones over on Teeycom (LJ community where you post ads. for commissions under $10). We can't post together on Furbuy but we can link to one another.

If I could get 9 artists willing to sell either 2 badges or commission pieces for $20 OR 4 small commission sketches for $10 each I could get the money for the good chair. =3 If all we can get is the other one for now, dude, that's cool too. Then all I need is 8 artist who will sell ONE $20 item.

Will anyone help me? I know everyone's busy and all with holidays and back orders but I could really use some help. 83 <--- puppy eyes

Oh, and none artists, maybe you could... buy their commissions? XD I dunno!

1. Razzek - 2 badges
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Farellemoon - 4 $10 commissions

NOT MEANING TO SOUND MANIPULATIVE because that's mean but, seriously, of all the things I lost this year my ability to move around independently is the one I miss the most. I'm afraid to leave the house because I can't walk further than 2 blocks without getting into trouble with my leg not wanting to work. I AM confident that with hard work and a good physical therapist I can work back out of the wheelchair (again)but currently this is where I am.

Today is the 10th year Anniversary of what might arguably be my most impressive display of affection and certainly my personal unbeaten record for the largest sum of work I have ever done.

An 800 page Graphic Novel known as 'The Infinitive Silence' that I made when I was 15 years old going on 16 years old in order to gain the affection of a boy named Bryan in High School.

Since none of my ex. boyfriend's names are Bryan you can guess how that turned out but still... the raw display of determination and dedication should be celebrated. =P
( Cut so wall of text doesn't eat your soul. Sorry i can't cut on FA. )

So, as of late for reasons unknown I have become completely obsessed with 'Avatar: The last Airbender'. Like, I honestly have watched all 3 seasons several times now. I don't even know why, I keep the same opinions I once had about it. It's formulaic, predictable but but but...

...but it's SO COOL. *facepalm*


Holly... sSSsssssHHHHHhhhhhhh... get that smerk off your face.

But I just saw the Trailer for the live action movie and several of the casting pictures. Hum... I think this movie is going to seriously suck.

O_O; Opinions?

Hey! Everyone's got one right. =D So, hum, what is yours? What do you live for? What makes you whole and fills your life with... feelings of....... hope. =D I want to learn more about people.

Not like 'block because you're a bad person' type of block but post and prevent one person from seeing it...

...like say if I was making art for someone as a Christmas present and wanted feedback on it without them being able to see?

I've actually been on a 3 day drawing streak so I'll have a lot of art to post when FA goes up. There's a pretty hefty price I always have to pay for so many days of good artwork, though, and it's that it dramatically raises the intensity of my nightmares for reasons I never understood.

But... well I don't know what to say. They amplify, I'm made to either relive the worst moments of my life of relive them with... more creativity... more confusion. I wake up feeling absolutely hopeless, at times certain that I'll commit suicide or just devastated - many of my nightmares based on no events are worse because they tend to involve Justin dying right in front of me in some pretty terrible ways.

Yet, after I shake them off not only do I draw better but in a much larger quantity. I do not know why and for the most part even on my bipolar meds. it still happens so I just kind of deal with it.

*sigh* In about an hour I'll shake this off and then I'll be draw'n like a mad woman. =/

A lot of artists have them and have recommended them. Thus here is a journal just for my commissioners to keep in touch with me.

Going along with my ever famous whereismyart@gmail.com theme here is my Where is My Art? journal:

http://whereismyart.livejournal.com/

Yay. I guess I'll do updates and run lists there for awhile.

My cat is 12-13 years old by the name of Mr. Coal. He's a wonderful cat. Sadly, he's been through a lot for a cat his age this year following me around the US as I'm helplessly thrown around by life. Yesterday he stopped eating and drinking so I took him to the vet.

I can understand why the vet says what she does but after listing off everything from 'cancer' to 'kidney disease' I was basically told the number one thing wrong with my cat is that he's over the age of 8 years. In other words, he's old and that blows.

So, I spent a good $102 of the $384 worth of stuff the wanted to do for him because that's really all I can afford. I don't want to sound nuts or cruel but I've let my love bind me to the realities of my bank account before spending $500+ on a single rat... I'm trying to remain as calm, logical and realistic about the situation as I possibly can.

I can say, though, Mr. Coal is sometimes the only thread holding me to this world. He's like my familiar. Like a muse but more awesome. Kind of like Appa is to Aang. My God, I did not just make an Avatar based comparison. *facepalm*

I really need ONE thing to go right for me. Just ONE plan to work. So far this month I've gotten HUGE painful news that my life was basically wrecked up for NO REASON with a letter from my old college all the way down to the most petty of crap like my room-mate for FC is cramming more people into our room when I JUST learned at MFF my productivity level is tied directly to my comfort level via room space at conventions. This would not be such a big deal if I weren't a horrible gimp who can't even walk 1/2 a block on her own because I'd just get my own room at an over flow hotel.

Nothing is rolling up Farelle.

Mr. Coal started eating and keeping it down, though, so I'm not as freaked out as I was yesterday.

Bah.
I hate life.
It's lame.
And it smells funny.

I kind of feel my journals have been dark as of late something a little fun seemed needed and I have been asking questions in most of these I have seen. So...

I WILL BE COMPLETELY HONEST FOR 24 HOURS... You can ask one question. Any questions, no matter how crazy, sinister, or wrong it is. I WILL answer no matter what, you have my FULL honesty, but I DARE you to put this in your Lj and see what questions you get...

A head of time I apologize about the babbling which is about to happen. I've not been to most coherent person for the passed few days. A lot of people seemed freaked out, though, and all I can think to do is try to talk to let people know what's in my head.

I've had a lot of people calling, commenting and emailing me over the passed few days. Thank you for your support and I'm sorry I've not been responding to anyone. It's nothing personal against anyone, like, seriously but I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to say because anything that comes to mind isn't good, it's not...

... it's not anything really. I get these questions like 'Are you alright?' 'How are you feeling?' 'Are you safe?' and it's like... if I answer them wrong I feel like something bad will happen. So, I'd prefer not to answer them.

But I'll try to answer one I have been getting the most. 'How are you feeling?'

The answer is 'shocked'.
( For those who need a little bit more of an answer than that. )

Today is November 30th, the last day before December 1st which marks the last month of 2009 and I, Jennifer Rae Allen, have failed to create a 'steady flow' of artwork for my 2009 'Owner' Bellecandie. Hell, I failed to make her any artwork that she actaully asked for. The shame and horror that I feel can't be described.

Whatever is coming to me, I seriously deserve it.

Also, I think I might have ringwork on my face and I still didn't go back to the hospital even though I suppose I need to. Just that I now feel even if I suffer from a severe chemical imbalance the major things that make me such a horrible person and have resulted in me leading a horrible life can't actually be fixed.

...yeah. I fought through a lot. It was a good run and doubtful to say I didn't try but I am done.

Defeated.
That is how this story will end.

Sometimes I really wonder if a lot of my commissions I am beyond the point of no winning with. I'm really deeply concerned with this because, this is especially with Belle's commission, I just feel like I have already lost and this notion is what causes me the most mental trip ups that further continues to delay the artwork.

A lot of other artists advise me to 'just sit and do the work' but I've found that 'trick' near impossible. These are also often artists whose quality of work tend to vary I have noticed but at the same time one can't expect to give their best 100% of the time either. Some commissions have gotten to a point that even my best work feels like it's just not going to be good enough and people will just roll their hands when handed it to give me that 'Finally, geez.' look.

I don't like the feeling that there's no winning. That's a pretty awful feeling and frankly it's one I have spent far too much time feeling over just about every aspect of my life.

The worst feeling is the feeling there is no winning when I know perfectly well I could have won. That's the one eating me alive most of this year.

Some people ask 'Why did you auction off 120 pieces???' and I tell them 'Because it was suppose to be only 10 pieces a month and since I normally do about 50-60 commissions a month that wasn't impossible at all. People forget the idea was not to pull in huge chunks of money for one bit of small time. The idea was to pre-sale 10 slots a month for the year.

It was not a bad idea.
Where it failed was that I had no idea that this would be the single worst year of my life. I have thought back through the whole thing multiple times over and over and over eating spoon fulls of guilt asking myself 'could I have seen this coming? Did I miss something?'

All I can think is 'No, this year was set up to be pretty damn good. The larger portion of it was honestly not your fault.'

And I'd love to believe that but I just can't. I feel responsible. I feel that because my failures were a direct result of choices I made there is no arguing that I am a failure.

Failure's don't get happy endings.

With December setting in and my realization that Belle has still not seen any work from me that she asked for (that's the most important part) I'm terrified of what's going to happen. I feel that I will be crushed and, damn it, I can't possibly argue that I don't deserve it considering even if I did what seems impossible and delivered to her a the full 10 pieces that remain NOT over due how can she not what to just hang me.

Disappointing my fandom feels far worse than anyone else I have let done - parents, friend, siblings... all I can think day in and day out now is...

"What have I done? Will any of them ever forgive me?" =*(

I just don't like people who say things based on the person they want to be but then act upon the person they really are.

Example:

What They Offer: "I will help you [insert action] because I see you're [insert situation in which person can not help themselves] because I'm your friend." *smiles*

What They Do When You Accept Their Offer: "Oh, I can't because [self serving excuse] but I'm here if you want to [insert action in which they don't have to exert any effort]."

Do NOT comfort me or re assure my with false offers. THAT DOESN'T HELP and it makes YOU appear like less of a friend and more of a huge ass.

- end rant -

>=( I have been waiting a MONTH now for that stupid check to arrive from my old school. The one they are legally obligated to release to me. It was suppose to be here 2 weeks ago.

I have $1 to my name. Nothing gluten free cost $1. I borrowed $40 from Josh's parents for food last Wednesday and I stupidly spent $15 of it on paper to draw commissions on...

..stupid...angry... now I'm out of food again.

I'm not happy.

I got the 'we don't even know your last name but we know what's better for you than you know' speech from my new roommate's parents.

Great! You know what I needed for gain mental stability after the year I've had? To be reminded that I'm not married to Justin but could have been married to him at the start of the year if we'd not been lied to by the recruiter.

Awesome.

That is what I totally needed.

I just want to say that book is f%$king terrifying. It's like a bizarre horror story with the lesson "Don't count on things staying the same because even the most reliable of things can eventually put you in a life threatening situation.

And I'm NOT talking about that piece of sh!t movie with the same title.

I'm talking about the book.
I have never ever forgotten it since I read it back in elementary school because IT IS TERRIFYING.

*curls up in the corner - rocks back and fourth*

I have a 74.8663101604278% commission completion rate for 2009 so far. I'd really like to try to polish at least 1/2 the remaining 95 commissions (mianly my biggest one of 120 images) off by Januray 1st of 2010! But I genuinely flat out refuse to compromise quality just to make that 87%. I won't beat out my 94% for 2008 though.

I guess I shouldn't be too down on myself but in order to get above 95% I'd have to draw about 239 pieces of artwork done.

I guess this is just a solid show of this years toll on me. I feel so defeated.

Stop shaking your head at me, Chem, I know it's not set in stone but but but but... there's a 97% chance that is indeed our new wedding date and these people need some GOOD news from me for once.

8)

After number crunching, headbashing, fingerlicking and chewing the numbers a little more it's looking like our wedding has finally been rescheduled. The only thing holding it back from being 100% curtain is Chem getting approved for leave with the Navy but it's pretty likely, believe it or not, for reasons I can't really explain at the moment. Then I suppose is the kink of finding somewhere for it to be but, ya know, I'd be happy with a grassy lawn at this point!

Now there are a few things that I'm doing different this time. First of all I'm dropping red from my colors because I HATE it - even though it's one of 3 colors permanently tattooed on my body. *punts red* Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! >=D

Second, NO ONE from my blood family is going to be invited - no one. Holy crap, the horrors that came out of that mistake last time I still toss and turn at night over. My Step Mom Kim flipped the freak out on me after a few months and seriously tried to make the whole things about her family - threatening to keep my father from going if I didn't invite 20 of her people. Thanks for the $600 you put into the wedding, Kim, but, like, that was not 'buying seats' for people I haven't even talked to nor cared about in close to 8 years. If you'll recall, she threw an epic fit claiming that I had an 'uninvite list'. Which I did NOT...

... but I do now.

Third is that we've come up with a better way to pay for the wedding, which is nice, because we kind of struggled through most of that last time. I got a lot of donations, which was nice, but I'd rather not float on that this time as it was very stressful. I like to new plan, it's pretty full proof - sweet.

Hum.. yeah... so everything is kind of being tossed from the old wedding save for my dress (I love my dress) and I'd obviously like to keep my bridesmaid line up. =P Oh and the jewelery Moss helped me make... keeping that too.

Otherwise, trying to just start over again. New theme, new foods and all that...

Yay!